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the words, the words, the words

I tend to go through these waves of crises.  Which can turn into hours a day of staring at a white wall, currently decorated with a single post-it that has my security code for work on it.  Like a total nutter, I had the numbers memorized the instant I was given them, but there they are.  This haunting reminder that the 9 -5 manages to have the upper hand for another day.

And as I (mentally) yell at myself for poor choices, I can’t seem to get a word in.  And I propel myself into a state of doom, “What does it matter if I write or not?  The world is going to blow up in 5 billion years because our sun will burst AND ALL OF MY WORK WILL BE FOR NAUGHT.”

I know there is a skilled discipline and hunger for venturing forward, but my discipline is plagued by that trap of darkness that thrusts its hand out from under the bed and holds onto my ankle.  There is a daily struggle to kick it off.  Sometimes I win and I manage to make it through the day unharmed.  Other days it’s victorious having latched on in the middle of the night, and now I’m somehow stuck in bed, doing my best to breathe well under the weight.

I keep thinking about Toby Maguire trying to rip off the black spiderman suit at the top of the tower as the bell’s going off.

It’s just this impossible task of getting it to go away.

And suddenly, it all washes away.  And it’s 3 AM, and I have to clean up whatever mess is around because I’ve been busy fighting off the demons all day, I haven’t had a chance to take care of myself more.  And sleep is for suckers, and for four days I’m up without so much as a nap, and feel like superwoman, and I can do anything.

But the pages still remain blank, and when I realize this, my shoulders hunch, and the wheel of perpetual doom starts to turn causing the other gears to turn and I collapse in exhaustion and total despair.

I do wonder what it’s like to not have this parasitic creature nearby.  When I was little, I used body image as my excuse for jealousy, because so did every other little girl.  But, that’s not it.  It’s not body image, it’s the lack-of-depression factor.  It’s the lack of having a reason to be depressed factor.

I did manage to write a bit this morning, and the creature hissed at me from my closet the whole time.

And as I dressed for work, I noticed the corner of the post-it is sticking out a bit, the stickiness wearing off  slightly, weakening how well it can hold onto the wall.

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I don’t post about specific buildings too often. The Montréal Tower is pretty cool. It was built for the 1976 Olympics and is now just abandoned space. The pool is still in use for locals and you can go to the top of the tower. 
The view is fantastic from the top, you can see all of Montréal and then some. 
I also enjoyed walking around the deserted Olympian stadium. It’s weird to see all that effort to go in to constructing a space and now it just sits except for a small piece. 
Canon 5D MarkIV, 35mm on a 24-70mm lens, f/10, 1/400 seconds, ISO 100 *
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#adventureisoutthere #adventure #travel #travelphotographer #womanwriter #travelblogger #womanphotographer #womanwanderer #canon #canonusa #teamcanon #natgeo #natgeoyourshot #natgeotravel #adobelightroom #tabithabear #womenwhotravel #dametraveler #roamtheplanet #montreal #ourplanetdaily #canonfanphoto #photography #optoutside #exploretocreate #beautifuldestinations #canada #worldnomads #femmetravel #quebec Enjoying the canon B&W theme this week. Here’s the last one I’ll post! 
Taken recently in Quebec City, Canada. 
Canon 5D MarkIV, 24 mm on a 24-70mm lens, f/5.6, 1/160 seconds, ISO 100 *
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#adventureisoutthere #adventure #travel #travelphotographer #womanwriter #travelblogger #womanphotographer #womanwanderer #canon #canonusa #teamcanon #natgeo #natgeoyourshot #natgeotravel #adobelightroom #tabithabear #womenwhotravel #dametraveler #roamtheplanet #quebeccity #ourplanetdaily #canonfanphoto #photography #optoutside #exploretocreate #beautifuldestinations #canada #worldnomads #femmetravel #quebec Having some fun with the B&W challenge from Canon. 
This is one of my favorite photos from the Grand Canyon. 
Taken with my Canon Rebel T6s, 18mm, f/11.0, 1/125 seconds, ISO 100 *
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#adventureisoutthere #adventure #travel #travelphotographer #womanwriter #travelblogger #womanphotographer #womanwanderer #canon #canonusa #teamcanon #natgeo #natgeoyourshot #natgeotravel #adobelightroom #tabithabear #womenwhotravel #dametraveler #roamtheplanet #nationalpark #ourplanetdaily #canonfanphoto #photography #optoutside #exploretocreate #beautifuldestinations #grandcanyon #worldnomads #femmetravel #arizona Old Port in Montréal is a blast. A lot of the pictures I took begged to be in black and white, especially the nighttime photos. The bright lights really helped the night pop. 
Taken with my Canon 5D Mark IV, 24-70mm, f/11.0, 1/40 seconds, ISO 32000. *
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#adventureisoutthere #adventure #travel #travelphotographer #womanwriter #travelblogger #womanphotographer #womanwanderer #canon #canonusa #teamcanon #natgeo #natgeoyourshot #natgeotravel #adobelightroom #tabithabear #womenwhotravel #dametraveler #roamtheplanet #montreal #ourplanetdaily #canonfanphoto #photography #optoutside #exploretocreate #beautifuldestinations #canada #worldnomads #femmetravel #quebec This is part of the Japanese Garden at Montréal’s Botanical Gardens. 
We bought a double ticket - one to visit the gardens and the other to see the Montréal Tower across the street. I thought I’d spend hours at the garden considering what they have on their site and what I’ve seen others post online, and I figured only a moment at the tower. 
The gardens were under construction and several paths and areas were closed with detour signs. It was incredibly hard to navigate and at one point we had to exit the gardens on one side and re-enter on another to attempt to see some more. Because of getting frustrated, we left and headed to the tower. 
The tower was a fantastic and pleasant surprise. Super neat and enjoyable. I’ll post more about it. *
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#adventureisoutthere #adventure #travel #travelphotographer #womanwriter #travelblogger #womanphotographer #womanwanderer #canon #canonusa #teamcanon #natgeo #natgeoyourshot #natgeotravel #adobelightroom #tabithabear #womenwhotravel #dametraveler #roamtheplanet #montreal #ourplanetdaily #discoverearth #photography #optoutside #exploretocreate #beautifuldestinations #canada #worldnomads #femmetravel #quebec This post got away from me, and it’s wordy enough that it’s been cut off. Please see my comments for the rest. 
I took this photo almost two years ago now.  Instantly, I am critical. How I could have done the lighting better, held the camera a different way, changed settings to freeze the waterfall in the moment better or to give it better movement. Why didn’t I just wait two more minutes and no people would be in the shot? It was daylight for another 20 hours anyway, etc. 
I found a picture of myself from three years ago. A quick shot on a point-and-shoot in a crappy hotel during a work trip. My hair was super long and healthy, I was in good shape and eating well, and my immediate reaction was “I look really good here. Why was I so hard on myself?” When I took the photo in Iceland, I was so happy. I was so proud I had brought myself to that very moment. No one got me there but me; I drove through Iceland on my own and trusted whatever came my way during my stay. And when I got to Kirkjufell, a place I had seen online and in books so many times, I was grinning ear-to-ear. I was standing in a spot that women have stood who inspired me to travel. Photographers I look up to. Locals. Sheep. The northern lights have danced above this very piece of earth, and two years later I criticize the poor photography instantly before remembering how happy I was at that moment. 
When I took the photo at the hotel three years ago, I wanted to be skinnier. I wanted to look prettier. I stood in front of the mirror there for almost an hour tearing myself apart for not meeting the ridiculous standard I kept changing. And three years later I’d give anything to look like me in that photo again. *
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#adventureisoutthere #adventure #travel #travelphotographer #womanwriter #travelblogger #womanphotographer #womanwanderer #canon #canonusa #teamcanon #natgeo #natgeoyourshot #natgeotravel #adobelightroom #tabithabear #womenwhotravel #dametraveler #roamtheplanet #selflove #ourplanetdaily #discoverearth #photography #optoutside #exploretocreate #beautifuldestinations #iceland #worldnomads #femmetravel
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