An intense realignment of self is happening in my life – it’s one of those times where you realize you’re facing a permanent fork in the road. There are no options sitting on the back burner in case of failure, no safe guards – there is only faith guided by hope reaching for dreams.
Sometimes, there are two paths in front of us, the options so hard to choose. I’ve found myself plagued with inner conflict over decisions before that I wasn’t sure which way to go. Hindsight is 20/20, though, I would have made some different choices – not all – but some.
For a very long time in my life, I was angry. I was angry at the hand I had been dealt, the lack of support and the insufferable expectations set before me. I put myself through hell, unmanageable debt, and surrounded myself with shitty people because I was a shitty person.
My actions were only reactions to what was around me, and not proactive choices to better myself or my situation or my life or the lives of others around me. I victimized myself, blamed everyone else, and refused any kind of accountability for anything.
It’s been some time, but I’ve been trying my best to overcome that resentment. There are things that will forever be out of my control – and that’s what I have to let go of. Take a deep breath and move forward with what I can control.
The last couple of years have been quite the struggle, but my debt has become manageable, and damn near gone. The people in my life are people who bring positivity and support into my life, which I happily reciprocate.
Instead of biting off more than I can chew and getting mad at everyone else when I fail, I moderate the amount on my plate to reduce the unnecessary stress. It’s opened me to amazing opportunities, creativity, and connecting with new people.
Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened had I gone the other way. Or I hear things about people from my past and where they are and what they’re doing with their lives. Some news is upsetting, it’s sad – there are milestones happening in someone else’s life and we used to care about each other, and I know how much certain moments mean and I just gush and wish them the best. There are other things you find out about that let you know some parts of the world will never change.
And all of that shit in the pipes, that extra worry somehow still stuck in the corners of my mind loosens a bit, some pieces dislodge completely.
Time will get me there, new experiences and opening myself up to people will get me there. And ‘there’ is the place I choose to head on the path. It cannot be taken back, and it’s such a powerful thought, it feels like it could paralyze an elephant.
But what makes it so much greater and so less frightening – feeling like I am the person I should be in this moment, and the person I feel like I can become is within a reachable distance is so empowering I feel like I could carry an elephant.
There are people I will never interact with again: depending on the day, this is either freeing or daunting. On one hand I don’t have to deal with that kind of confrontation again, but on the other, I wonder what would happen if they would just let me explain for a minute and see how well we can turn it around.
It’s that weird cycle of trying to negotiate with the familiar instead of relinquishing bad habits and bravely stepping into the next best version of ourselves.
I’m headed to Iceland again in 6 days, and so much feels fantastic and exciting and overwhelmingly beautiful ahead because of how I got to this very moment in time.
I have been so negative and discouraged and defeated and angry for so long – it’s amazing what the slightest bit of happiness can bring forth.
Check out my instagram for real-time Icelandic adventures – @tabicusmaximus.
Photo taken in Reykjavik, Iceland September 2016.